How to be polite in Dutch: softeners, zou and saying sorry

The Dutch have a reputation for being direct, and it's partly true. People say what they think, often without a lot of wrapping. But direct doesn't mean rude. Dutch has its own toolbox for politeness: a few small words, the verb zou, and the right choice between je and u. Once you know them, you can be just as friendly in Dutch as in English, and you'll stop worrying that you sound blunt.

Directness is normal

In the Netherlands, honesty is often seen as a form of respect. If a colleague thinks your plan won't work, they'll probably tell you: Dat lijkt me geen goed idee. — I don't think that's a good idea. That isn't meant as an attack. It's meant as useful information.

This works in two directions:

• Don't be offended when Dutch people are direct with you. A clear "no" is usually just a clear "no".
• You don't need the long English chains of politeness. "I was just wondering whether you might possibly…" sounds strange when translated word for word. A short sentence with the right softener is enough.

Directness has limits, though. Tone, a smile, and the small words below make a big difference.

Small softening words

Dutch speakers soften requests and statements with short words called modal particles. They're hard to translate, but they make a sentence sound friendlier. Here are the most useful ones.

Even is the one you'll use most. Compare:

• Doe de deur dicht. — Close the door. (an order)
• Doe de deur even dicht. — Could you just close the door? (a friendly request)
• Mag ik even langs? — Could I just get past?

Maar with an imperative sounds like an invitation rather than a command:

• Ga maar zitten. — Have a seat.
• Zeg het maar. — Go ahead / What can I get you? (often heard in shops and cafés)

You can combine them: Kijk maar even. — Have a look. For much more on these words, see Dutch modal particles.

Polite requests with zou and graag

The most polite way to ask for something is with zou (singular) or zouden (plural), the past form of zullen, plus another verb at the end:

• Zou je het raam dicht willen doen? — Would you mind closing the window?
• Zou u mij kunnen helpen? — Could you help me?
• Zouden jullie wat zachter kunnen praten? — Could you talk a bit more quietly?
• Ik zou graag een afspraak willen maken. — I'd like to make an appointment.

In everyday situations, graag does a lot of work. It turns "I want" into "I'd like":

• Ik wil graag een kopje thee. — I'd like a cup of tea.
• Een biertje, graag. — A beer, please.
• Ik wou graag afrekenen. — I'd like to pay, please.

In English, "I want a coffee" sounds rude. In Dutch, Ik wil graag een koffie is perfectly polite. More on these forms in Dutch modal verbs.

Please, thank you and sorry

Please and here you are. Alsjeblieft (informal) and alstublieft (formal) mean "please", but also "here you are" when you hand something over. You'll hear them constantly in shops.

• Twee broodjes, alstublieft. — Two rolls, please.
• Alsjeblieft, je jas. — Here you are, your coat.

Thank you. Dank je (informal) and dank u (formal), often with wel added: dank je wel, dank u wel. Bedankt works in both situations. The answer to "thank you" is graag gedaan (you're welcome) or geen dank (don't mention it). And when someone hands you something and says alsjeblieft, you say dank je wel.

Sorry, pardon, excuseer.

• Sorry, ik ben te laat. — Sorry, I'm late.
• Pardon, mag ik er even langs? — Excuse me, could I get past?
• Pardon? — Sorry, what did you say?
• Het spijt me, dat wist ik niet. — I'm sorry, I didn't know that.

In the Netherlands you'll also hear neem me niet kwalijk — excuse me / I beg your pardon — which is a bit more formal.

Je or u?

Choosing between informal je/jij and formal u is part of politeness too. Use u with older strangers, in formal letters, and with officials when in doubt. Use je with friends, colleagues, children and most people your own age. Many Dutch people switch to je quickly and may ask you to do the same: Zeg maar je. — You can call me je.

When someone uses u with you, it's polite to mirror it until they switch. The full story is in formal and informal "you".

Saying no and complaining politely

Declining. A short "no" plus a reason or a thank-you is enough:

• Nee, dank je. — No, thank you.
• Dat is aardig, maar ik kan helaas niet. — That's kind, but unfortunately I can't.
• Liever niet. — I'd rather not.
• Misschien een andere keer. — Maybe another time.

Helaas (unfortunately) is your best friend when you have to say no.

Complaining. Dutch people do complain directly, but a calm, factual tone works best. Start with a softener, describe the problem, and ask for a solution:

• Sorry, maar ik denk dat er een fout in de rekening zit. — Sorry, but I think there's a mistake in the bill.
• Ik had vis besteld, maar ik heb vlees gekregen. — I ordered fish, but I got meat.
• Zou u er even naar kunnen kijken? — Could you have a look at it?

What can sound rude in direct translation

Some English habits don't translate well, and some Dutch sentences sound harsher than they are meant.

• A bare imperative without even, maar or alsjeblieft: Geef me het zout. sounds like an order. Better: Kun je me het zout even geven? — Could you pass me the salt?
• Wat? when you didn't hear something. It's common among friends, but Pardon? or Wat zei je? is friendlier.
• Using jij with an elderly stranger or at a government office. Start with u.
• Over-polite English chains, such as Ik vroeg me af of u misschien eventueel zou kunnen… This isn't wrong, but it sounds odd. A simple Zou u… kunnen? is enough.

And the reverse: when a Dutch person says Dat is niet goed about your work, they usually mean exactly that, nothing more. It's feedback, not an insult.

Quick summary

• Dutch directness is normal and not meant to be rude.
• Soften with even, maar, misschien, eigenlijk and toch.
• Ask politely with Zou je/u… willen/kunnen? and Ik wil graag…
• Alsjeblieft/alstublieft = please and here you are; dank je/dank u (wel) = thank you.
• Sorry for apologising, pardon to get past or ask for repetition.
• Use u with strangers and officials when in doubt.
• Decline with helaas; complain calmly with a softener and a question.

Practise it

Order and pay politely in At the restaurant, practise complaining the Dutch way in Making complaints, and accept or decline politely in Invitations.